The Dunsel Effect

Sometimes I feel like a dunsel. Dunsel, according to Star Trek, is "a part that serves no useful purpose". I often 'feel' like my roles in life can be replaced by another. Note that I used the word feel. Feelings are not necessarily facts.

I'm not sure why women do this to themselves. If any of us were to spill these thoughts out to a friend, our friend would assure us that we are relevant and no one can replace us. The fact is...we are all replaceable in some areas. It is in a person's heart and memories where we leave a void after we are gone.

One thing that adds to the 'dunsel effect' is becoming an empty nester.  When we become a parent of an 'adult-child' who no longer needs us as they once did, it makes us feel barren. But honestly, isn't that what we are supposed to do? We raise kids into independent adults where they no longer need us to help them every step of they way.

In my jobs as an EMS instructor and EMS provider, I will be replaceable. I am training up strong, young people to take over my jobs. In fact, I tell them someday they may be trying to save MY life. I know how important it is to prepare them and happily do so, but, I often find myself afraid to slow down or show weakness because I don't want to leave my roles...not yet.

Like a pack of animals, it's always survival of the fittest. It's a hard thing, but even among humans, there are people who look for opportunity as soon as you show weakness so they can take your position.

I may be replaceable in some of my roles, but I hope I'm not easily forgotten in people's hearts. Being remembered, feeling like you left the world somehow better, trying to leave a legacy (including people to take your place), isn't that what life is about?

Oh, for the love of PINK!

 A little happy in the middle of a sad week....

I found this tiny pink Christmas tree for half price. I adore it! It's about 18 inches tall.
So....all you crafters....can you help a gal out? I want to create some ornaments for it. Some teeny-tiny ornaments for Valentine's Day, Easter, and eventually Christmas.

What kind of ideas or links do you have? Can you ask your friends to stop by and give their input?  I have never beaded or crafted beyond cross stitch....
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On a sad note, we lost one of the pack last Friday. Our old diva, Mariposa was beginning to suffer. We had her for 14 1/2 years. We find ourselves looking for her in our daily routines. It's different at home and the other dogs sense it. RIP, little butterfly....

Valentine's Day is Coming

I hope everyone had a happy Christmas and New Year celebration! We had a peaceful Christmas. The prime rib I cooked was amazing! The main thing I learned is to monitor the internal temperature for the perfect done-ness. Now the New Year has come, Christmas items are on clearance and they are putting up Valentines on the store shelves.

I miss exchanging Valentines. Every year in school, there would be friends exchanging cards, secret admirers sending items to a potential girlfriend/boyfriend, or if nothing else, some extra candy around from teachers and friends.

Much to my dismay, my daughter, who was born on Valentine's Day, does not like pink or red so I can't spoil her like I wish I could on that day since most items are of that color scheme. HA!

Have you noticed how few items there are to cross stitch that are Valentine themed? I wish more designers would consider this holiday.

If I get some interest, maybe I can host a Valentine exchange at some point. I mean...we all like surprises, right?!

Visiting blogs now. Best wishes on your New Year and always.

Christmas Dinner

A curiosity....what do you eat for your holiday meal? A tradition for our family has always been to have turkey for Thansgiving and ham for Christmas.

I've always wondered what people from other areas including outside the US have for dinner if they celebrate a holiday this time of year...

This year, I'm going to try to cook prime rib for the first time. What a treat! I am searching the internet for cooking tips since it's such an expensive meat. I don't want to ruin it. Hints??

Grown up Christmas List

As the holiday draws near, I become quiet inside. There's a PEACE about Christmas. It seems the world takes a collective sigh from its normal hustle and bustle and perhaps, without even knowing it, we unite. For some, it's the holiness of Christmas. For others, there seems to be just a little more kindness around them that causes them to pause and appreciate others.

Christmas seems to spread a kind of 'calm' to Christians and non-Christians alike. I struggle to find eloquent words to describe it, but it is palpable.

My wish, my grown up Christmas list, is for the holiness of the season to reach the hearts of all. That the days bring wonder, peace, faith, and hope. As a Christian, I pray that everyone takes a moment and connects with Christ; the reason for the season. Without Him, this Holy-day would just be a day.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all.

Hobbies on hold

I used to cross stitch often. I found it relaxing while between calls with EMS. I had an unfortunate turn of events, however, with an autoimmune disease weakening my eyes. I have difficulty with reading or performing small tasks like stitching.

Last time I stitched was for a recent Halloween exchange. It was difficult but in small spurts, I was able to finish it. My eyes get fatigued and blurry vision after a few minutes of looking at small print. This has been quite a bummer. I have several patterns on my wish list and several UFOs waiting for my attention.

I'm not letting it bum me out. I'm being seen by a specialist to see if we can remedy the problem. It may require (gulp) surgery at the worst. Everyone has a 'thing' going on in their lives or with their health. This is just my 'thing' for now and I'm comforted that there may be resolution soon.

I've asked 'Santa' not to get me cross stitch for Christmas. I am in hopes that after the eyes get better, I will stitch so much and so fast that I will need new stash! It will be my goal to wear my fingers out. It will also be a reward to look forward to after this journey.

So, please be patient with me and my lack of crafting posts or reading of your blogs. I do these things for just moments at a time.

Could you do me a favor....? If you know of others that enjoyed Parsley's posts, could you tell them I'm here now? That way I can revisit their blogs if they are still out there.

And Santa....my stitchy wish-list will be long.....be ready for Christmas in July hahahahaha

EMS and its burden

I've had wonderful experiences caring for patients in the back of the ambulance. When we get our training, we learn some potentially life saving techniques. Those, paired with compassion, can make this job rewarding. I've held hands. I've prayed for people. I've helped them feel better at their worst moments in life.

But...no one trains you on how to deal with loss. Of course it's discussed but seasoned medics develop a hard outer shell to cope. I'm not hard. I never will be so it's understandable that sometimes the chaos and loss that occurs in the back of an ambulance can stick with me in my mind.
I recently had a call after dark that stuck. The call was to a public location and at first, the people calling 911 thought it was a seizure.

When we arrive, multiple people are waiving us down...as if we couldn't see bystanders performing CPR. I see it all. I take it all in. These faces are familiar.

We never run to patients. We are quick, but never panic or run. My partner gathered items as I confirmed the patient was in cardiac arrest. I was given a name and I knew the person. My heart sank.

I knew this person's family was right outside the door, praying, crying, begging God to work. God did....but not necessarily how people hoped. We all tried to keep him with us but he went home to God.

For days (and nights) I replayed this call in my head. I would wake up in the middle of the night and feel a rush of anxiety as if we were trying to save him again. Of course, I know this stayed with me because I knew him personally.

It took a while, but I've finally gotten some nights of sleep without the sudden panic waking me up. And, as expected, my next shift I had another bad call where it brought it all back to my mind. There's a saying that once a 'black cloud' floats over you, it stays for a while and rains on you. It did.

This time it wasn't a person I knew but the situation was just as life threatening. The patient made it, but not necessarily due to our interventions. As a person of faith, I believe that we can do our work but we cannot change the outcome of what God wants.

I work again this weekend with the same partner with whom I had the first bad call that triggered my PTSD. I know it will be hard. I know I will dread when the tones go off. Pray for us. Pray for all responders; that we will have wisdom, peace, and protection.