EMS and its burden

I've had wonderful experiences caring for patients in the back of the ambulance. When we get our training, we learn some potentially life saving techniques. Those, paired with compassion, can make this job rewarding. I've held hands. I've prayed for people. I've helped them feel better at their worst moments in life.

But...no one trains you on how to deal with loss. Of course it's discussed but seasoned medics develop a hard outer shell to cope. I'm not hard. I never will be so it's understandable that sometimes the chaos and loss that occurs in the back of an ambulance can stick with me in my mind.
I recently had a call after dark that stuck. The call was to a public location and at first, the people calling 911 thought it was a seizure.

When we arrive, multiple people are waiving us down...as if we couldn't see bystanders performing CPR. I see it all. I take it all in. These faces are familiar.

We never run to patients. We are quick, but never panic or run. My partner gathered items as I confirmed the patient was in cardiac arrest. I was given a name and I knew the person. My heart sank.

I knew this person's family was right outside the door, praying, crying, begging God to work. God did....but not necessarily how people hoped. We all tried to keep him with us but he went home to God.

For days (and nights) I replayed this call in my head. I would wake up in the middle of the night and feel a rush of anxiety as if we were trying to save him again. Of course, I know this stayed with me because I knew him personally.

It took a while, but I've finally gotten some nights of sleep without the sudden panic waking me up. And, as expected, my next shift I had another bad call where it brought it all back to my mind. There's a saying that once a 'black cloud' floats over you, it stays for a while and rains on you. It did.

This time it wasn't a person I knew but the situation was just as life threatening. The patient made it, but not necessarily due to our interventions. As a person of faith, I believe that we can do our work but we cannot change the outcome of what God wants.

I work again this weekend with the same partner with whom I had the first bad call that triggered my PTSD. I know it will be hard. I know I will dread when the tones go off. Pray for us. Pray for all responders; that we will have wisdom, peace, and protection.